5.17.11- What makes you think I want you?

Warning: this is a RANT no touchy feeling, motivational words of wisdom here. Just me going off about what's bothering me in my world.


I'm the kind of person that is completely happy being single, single and dating or in a committed relationship.  Its tough being happy in ALL 3 situations at the same time LOL.

I have been talking to the same guy for almost 2 years now.  In the beginning it was all great.   Good convo, hanging out, spending time together etc.  Crap happens and it ruins things. I try and break up and it just won't stick.  He makes more of an effort to make it work, I cave in and we get back together.  Eventually we break up again and I'm all like I'm going to start seeing other people. So I begin to DATE!
He's still in the picture mind you but on a limited basis and I'm seeing other potential partners.

Lately, its just headaches, heartaches, frustration and bullshit. But I've become soooo accustomed to having him around that I'm like do I just walk away completely or let him hang around?  He's got good qualities but I'm not really in the position to appreciate them completely.  Plus I believe that I'd get bored with him and want someone else. Then again I get bored easily with everyone so maybe I just need to NOT ever get married!  But therein lies the problem.  I want to be with someone that I want to be with as much as they want to be with me....and not just physically. I want someone that I want to lavish my attention and affection on the same way they would do for me.

He's not that guy but at the same time I dont want to waste my time getting to know someone new. 2 years is a long time to have someone study and learn you and your quirky ways.  I'm not in the mood to teach anyone else.  At least not with the focus I had with the "outdated" model.


On the other, other-side  I have several guys who are interested but even they aren't necessarily the cream of the crop.  One guy we'll call 'young buck is only worried about smashing and is like If I'm going to put in the work I want to make sure I am going to get rewarded.  Yeah what makes you think I want you young buck?

One guy we'll call 'legally-not divorced but technically WTF?' He approached the situation as though he were available. We had a great time and enjoyed each other's company and I felt that he was one of the most promising candidates. Well come to find out before things got too far along he had a confession to make. Turns out he's NOT divorced and NOT totally separate. WTF?  What makes you think I want you legally-not divorced'?

One guy we'll call 'Blast from the past' is a fella from my college days.  We hooked up a few times but didnt keep in touch until recently.  He moved back to the area and we reconnected.  Things looked kind of promising because he was actually interested in dating like bf/gf. I thought hmm lets see where this goes.  We'd made plans to have dinner but he had some excuse come up.  We tried several times to get up but to no avail.  Then he had the nerve to come out of his mouth asking for a 3 some.  I'm like whoa wait a minute...I'm kinda freaky but I'm not trying to hook up with you and some random chick.  We can't even agree on a time to get together and see each other after all these years why would I want to meet up and freak you and some chick?  What makes you think I want you Blast from the past?

One guy we'll call "Murphy's Luck".  He's  a relative of a former classmate.  Nice guy, really polite and genuine. But it seems that communication on a consistent basis has been a major issue. On top of that bad circumstances of life occurring seem to thwart our chances of hanging out at every turn. Now, I've tried to be patient and the only reason why I  have put him on this list is because of HIS determination and constant I really like you and want to see you routine.  I know I shouldn't fall for that sort of thing but he's a cute guy and we have some things in common. But damn why is it so difficult for you to drive your ass up the road to meet me when I'm available?  If you can't even get step one done how can I trust I can take any other steps forward with you in the future?  What makes you think I want you  Murphy's Luck?

One guy we'll call "Microphone". We met online back in college.  For all intent and purpose I was his groupie. My nose was turned up and wide open for this man. But he was immature and not ready for the real deal.  We lost touch and that was that. UNTIL, social networking came into its own.  I started being a groupie again but things had changed.  He was more mature thankfully but he was also MARRIED! DAMN DAMN DAMN! I knew it was the end of the road. But he, just like a lot of married men, was persistent and made excuses for why his bad behavior should be acceptable to me. Resistance might have been futile because he was so damn charming and the past we shared was strong.  But looking to the future I have to say I will never be anyone's OTHER woman! So, what makes you think I want you Microphone?????

One guy we'll call "Restraining order".  Met him at a party. He totally was into me. I was vibing him too. Come to find out old boy is MARRIED. I swear to fuck if another married man hits on me I'm going to cut his nutts off and mail them to his damn wife.  Sorry (I told you this was a rant). Anyhoo, he was like I have an understanding with my wife and I'm like well you need to understand ME...I dont do that.  Has that stopped him? No I still get calls, texts and messages.  Hell I even had "Outdated model" confront Restraining Order. I thought that was the end of that but I guess not!  What makes you think I want you Restraining order?

One guy we'll call "Chef".  He too is an old friend from my college days.  We got reconnected last year and have spent some quality time together.  I enjoyed his companionship.  We cooked together, went to parties together and going out but I was not all that attracted to him.  I'm not shallow but you have to have some sort of physical attraction to a guy. Even if he's not Denzel Washington fine you can always find something else about him that grows on you.  However, I couldn't lie to myself. This guy was not and would not ever be my type. Plus he always liked to talk about all the women that were into him or that he'd dated like I gave a damn.  I knew he was just making that shit up to get a reaction out of me. Jokes on you boo that sort of stupid game shit doesnt work on me. I am too smart to fall for dumb shit.  So go kick a box of rocks because what makes you think I want you Chef?

There are a few others... but too much to write and I'd sooner spend this time creating a dating profile for an online dating site to be honest with you. But at the end of the day I have to wonder...will I ever find myself with a guy that's right for me and I'm right for him?  Am I too naive about what's really out there?