08.01.2021 Paternity

Yo, today just took a turn for the worst! My husband's sister said some crazy slick shit to me yesterday at a family function. She basically called into question the paternity of my husbands oldest child (my bonus daughter). know I asked my husband point blank about this topic a few years ago and he was like we had it done at the hospital, she's my child. I relayed this same info to my SIL liek this is what my husband(her brother) told me. She made it seem like she knew something I didn't know and I was like wait a minute. So me being me, I asked my husband about the topic matter of factly. He was like well yeah to my recollection it was done but I dont recall seeing any paperwork etc. I'm like (record scratch)/ Wait WHAT!??!? Thats not how you presented this info to me the last time I asked you about it. He was like pause we're not going to have this conversation its between me and my daughter! So I'm like oh is that right? Something that DOES impact my life and our marriage is now a topic we can't even discuss? BET! So i'm pissed off and angry 1- at my SIL for even brining this shit up and 2- at m husband for making me question what he originally told me and that this is even a topic of concern again. I texted my SIL like yo, explain to me what you meant by XYZ at the family function. She made it seem like yeah he said he had it done but I didnt believe him. And in my mind I'm like if it was ever a topic up for fucking debate then why the hell wasn't it made a priority? Years of child support payments not-withstanding, if this girl (now grown ass woman) is someone else's daughter then they have a right to know and so does she. Especially now that she is having a child of her own. In the back of my mind I'm like before we all get attached to this grand baby shouldnt we know if the mother is even related to us? I've always maintained that friends are the family you CHOOSE so if it turns out that my bonus daughter isnt actually biologically my husband's child that will NOT change the relationship and bond they have period. I wouldnt expect it to. BUT the fact still remains that there is a chance she's not and she should not be robbed of her biological family. I regret that my own mother never connected with ther biological father and only after his death did we find out my mom had like 5 other siblings on his side that lived like down the road from her other siblings on my Nana's side of the family. Years passed and we could have been forming bonds with them and creating memories and shit. But no, because of some reason it wasn't until I happend to do some research on my own and finding a posting of a PUgs in the Park even via facebok that I was able to connect with my biological grandfather's side of the family. Anyhoo, not to go to far off on a tangent. Would it be wrong of me to request that my husband get "another" DNA/paternity test done to see if indeed his daughter is biologically his? Should I take things into my own hands and just get the test done myself? Should I broach the subject with my bonus daughter and say HEY, family is important you should know who your family is especially now that you are about to have one of your own? Should I be even MORE bold and approach the baby mother and ask her if there is a remote posibility that her daughter is NOT my husband's child? Or should I just ignore this nagging feeling altogether and let sleeping dogs lay? I really hate my SIL for even bringing this shit up. I feel like if and when I see my husband watching those dayum paternity court tv shows I'm going to blow up at him and be like turn that fucking shit off unless you get a dayum test yourself! AGHHHHHHHHHHH

7.08.21- The Phoenix Returns

It has been much too long since my last post here. 5 years and counting. So much to update on whats "New" and whats changed and I feel like I need to dig up my old diaries and add historical entries to really get the full picture painted (more on that in another future blog post). Much of my life exists in a digital format (at least the post-formative years) and its funny to think that there are entire generations now where THAT is ALL they will ever know and have known. My own children fall into that category! I've sort have been on a nostalgic quest to remember my past life experiences because I am such a different person now.... PAUSE... not a different person (I'm ALWAYS going to be me!) but more so I'm in a different role/phase of my life now. But part of me wants to remember what I was like BEFORE I embraced my new roles as a wife and mother etc. Looking at my old Linked-IN profile kind of depressed me to tell you the truth too. I had such HIGH hopes of what I was going to achieve in my life and I feel like I haven't done ANY of it! But I have to remind myself "TIME AND PLACE"...so if there is still time left then I still have a chance of getting to THAT place...wherever THAT is. Anyoo, on my quest of nostalgia I found myself cleaning out my electronic files and email inboxes and thinking back to OLD romances and flings and one specific one stood out to me as the "WHAT IF...WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN?" relationship. Not so much that it was the "one that got away" but more so what experiences and life lessons could have been had if I had made different choices and he had made different choices? Maybe nostalgia has glossed over the pitfalls and issues that were a reality in that relationship, but what I do remember is that I enjoyed the simplicity, the proximity, the silliness and the Spirituality we shared. Whats ironic is that reading these old messages led me to remember why I still do certain things and that this particular relationship was the origin to some of the silly quirky things that have persisted since that relationship ended. Everything happens for a reason and at the end of the day I believe things were meant to end but part of me feels like they ended prematurely but for the brief encounter that we had together, it was a memorable, emotional, roller coaster ride but the love was genuine and I am greatful for the experience and the friendship.

2.20.17- Heartache

This morning I had my initial sonogram scheduled for baby #2.  We reached the 10 week mark and this was going to be the first time to see our little peanut.

However, the day before the appointment I started to experience bleeding.  I had been spotting off and on through out the 1st trimester so I didn't think anything of it until the day before when it looked more like a regular period than just mere spotting.

My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. I had to come to terms with the fact that something was seriously wrong and the outcome may be negative news.

AJ dropped me off at the doctor's office and took Aiden to my dad's house so he could watch the baby while we were at the OB's.  They called my name back and I told the technician I was waiting for my Fiancee to return. She said by the time I got undressed and prepped that he should be able to join us in time.

I called him and texted him and left him a message about coming straight back to the exam room.  The technician said they were already 15 minutes behind schedule so she had to go ahead and take care of me.  She started with an external scan and took pictures and measurements of my uterus.

She showed me a screen capture and said that the fetal growth did not show the expected measurements for a 10 week old fetus.  She said I should clean up, use the restroom to empty my bladder and then she'd perform a vaginal sonogram.

I cleaned up the cold gel off my abdomen, grabbed my phone to call AJ and went to the restroom.  Voicemail again and I was like I am NOT about to go through this with out my support system. SO I held up in the bathroom as long as I could. When I finally went back to the exam room I peeked out the window and saw AJ walking up to the building.  Relief set in.

They brought him back to the room and I told him what the technician told me about the visible development not representing a 10 week old fetus.  The technician came in and proceeded to perform the vaginal sonogram.

No heartbeat was detected and she said the sack had started to flatten out and was moving down towards the cervix.  She said the doctor would see me afterwards and discuss the next steps.

I cleaned up and got dressed and they took us to a different exam room.  A nurse came in to do a survey and take my blood pressure and ask some general questions.  When the doctor came in she greeted us and asked if we understood what was going on.  She explained that these things happen and that she would examine me to ensure that the sonogram was revealing valid information.

I was ok with what had been going on up until this point, it was the exam that made this already bad situation even MORE horrible.

While lying on the table being examined, the doctor explained that she could give me some pills that would help to speed up the miscarriage process with out having to have a D & C performed.

While she was performing the exam however my body decided to take things into its own hands, so she had to go ahead and remove the fetal tissue while I lay there.  It took what seemed like forever for her to clean out all of the tissue and blood and ensure the pregnancy had passed.

At times it was painful and others just uncomfortable.  I think I squeezed AJ's hand's until they turned white.  The sound of the tool she was using on the container she collected tissue was the WORST sound in the world.  After all was said and done, she explained to me about the medication she was going to subscribe and the side effects I might experience.

I managed to keep it together and once the doctor was done she gave us a minute. I got dressed while AJ stood there in the room.  We made our way to the check out window so I could schedule my follow up appointment.

What ultimately should have been a happy experience was one of the hardest moments of my life to experience.  What's crazy is that I was more concerned about AJ and his feelings and how I should break this news to my family.  I ended up only taking a day or two off from work and returned back to school like everything was normal.  I am not one to share my personal life issues at work and tend to keep things to myself, however in this situation I did mention it to one co-worker and my homeroom class.  My co-worker shared with me that she had experienced 3 or 4 miscarriages in her lifetime. In a weird way I felt solidarity with her and that somehow we were now sisters in this secret club of sorts. Knowing I wasn't alone and how common this sort of thing kind of made me feel better but the pain of the loss was still hard to endure.

1.05.17- The New Year- Starting Off Rough

It is with such sadness and heartache that we enter into this new year.

At least 3 people connected to my family and friends have passed away in the past 2 weeks.

Shocked, numb and disbelief are just a few words to describe the enormous weight of the news of these folks passing.

DEATH is such an abstract thing that we rarely look at in our busy lives. Yet here we are holding home-going services for friends and family.

RIP Juanita Fowler 12/22/16
RIP Ray Onley 1/02/17
RIP Charles Raines 1/04/17

Goals for this year are to live life to its fullest, shower love and affection on the people I know and love and make every day count. LIFE IS SHORT! MAKE THE MOST OF IT!

12.31.16 A year in review

2016 has been pretty mellow compared to ALL of the changes and transitions of 2015.  But all in all the year has been a great one.  Seeing my son grow and develop into the little boy he is has been amazing.  His vocabulary is ever expanding and his little personality is just so charming.  He's head strong thats for sure but is so sweet and lovable at the same time.

The way he looks at things and sees the world, processes it and interacts with it is short of a miracle.  I want all of the BEST and GOOD things in this world for him. I want him to have JOY and PEACE and FULFILLMENT in life.  His favorite things now are cell phones, the piano, Elmo and Sesame Street and playing outside on the porch in the warm weather.

He loves his Nana and they are the best of friends, thick as thieves and truly bosom buddies.
As he runs around the house its hard to believe that he was this tiny baby that just laid there in the bassinet or could barely sit up on his own or even crawl.  Now he's so mobile he can even traverse the stairs up and down with little to no help.

I love just watching him play while he sits and reads his books to himself or he cuddles up next to me our his dad on the couch reaching for the remote.  He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so happy and blessed to have Aiden in my life.

Graduation was kind of a big deal as well as finally choosing a wedding date and location. We hosted some awesome parties through out the year and started some family traditions that I hope we maintain for many years to come.
I have certainly become a happy homemaker and the transition was not that difficult.  Truth be told it was always there. I mean, I AM Theresa's daughter after all :P.

I look forward to the new year in 2017 even though Trump will be our new President and President Barrack and Michelle Obama will be leaving the White House.

~HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS~

8/23/16 Long Overdue UPDATE

So the new school year is getting under way and I am actually excited about this fact!

A year ago I was job hunting and working 3 part time jobs while 8 months preggers!  NOW, I am gainfully employed, engaged to a wonderful man and the father of my 10 month old son!

After facing a little post-partum depression earlier this year I am happy to say that I am in a good place.  At least that's what I tell myself.  And for what its worth I am happy and I am blessed and I am greatful for all of the things going on in my life.  I am however concerned that the woman I thought I was is not real anymore. 

My finacee took me off guard tonight with a comment about me not really being as laid back, carefree etc and that I was hiding depression and sadness.  I was saddened and pained by these comments. They felt accusatory and I was defensive and even angry but mostly hurt by the accusations. 

When you find out what people really think about you and when those things don't match what you think about yourself it sets off alarms.  Of course I would normally brush it off and be like who the fuck are you?  But when that someone is your partner, your future spouse you can't just brush it off and tell them fuck off. I mean I could but I don't think that makes for good relationship building.

So, what do I do? I chose to not respond and instead sulk off into the bedroom to brood about the revelation.  Of course my fiancée comes in eventually to ask the proverbial open ended question "what's wrong?"  and waiting/demanding that I give him a nicely wrapped with a bow answer to that not so easy to answer question when emotions have been drawn out from the dark recesses.

Of course my patented "nothing is wrong" answer is a bold face LIE but it at least buys me some time to continue the dissection of my own feelings before having to be vulnerable before the person that played a role in making me feel the way that I'm feeling in that moment.  Having done his "job" by asking"What's wrong" the shrug of the shoulders and the waiving of the hands ensues which comes across as feigned indifference, the oh well I tried, my job is done sentiment.  That doesn't leave me feeling any better than before but I accept the situation for what it is and decide not to make THAT action the catalyst for WWIII. 

So having written that I realize that I have grown and that I am making better choices for myself but it still doesn't change HOW I feel the way that I feel.  And maybe that is the lesson too, that you will always have feelings about something, good or bad and that is just how it IS but the determining factor is how I CHOOSE to respond to those feelings and how I let them impact me.

So the focus will be on the goals I am setting for myself and the things I am attempting to overcome.  Because at the end of the day our partners are only a reflection of ourselves and if we do not like what we see then its up to us to change... Hey maybe Michael Jackson (RIP) had another layer of meaning to his song "Man in the Mirror". Well this woman in the Mirror is looking rough and needs a makeover of body, mind and soul and hopefully those changes will come and create a healthy and well balanced lifestyle that fosters a loving environment in which to build a marriage and to raise a son.

100 Days

April 10th, 2015 marks the 100th day of my pregnancy.  That translates into 14 weeks or 3.5 months.

To be honest, it has not been a difficult journey thus far so I will enjoy it while it lasts.  I'm not even really showing but I'm sure that will change soon too.

Everyday I am still in disbelief at the fact that Iw ill be a mother soon.  SOOOO MUCH is about to change in my life that I am forcing myself to embrace things as they are and enjoy them before it changes FOREVER.

HAPPY 100 days to US!